Here are the jokes of the week! Written by me, Bri Ribalta!
1). Sandwich Police says that a seafood company lost approximately $10,000 worth of
lobster after a man turned off the compressor and oxygen supply to their tank of live
seafood. Sandwich is a town in Massachusetts, and just like you I already lost interest in
this story after this revelation.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3w06LF5
Article:https://bit.ly/3h033XD
2). The Delta Variant is here and no, it’s not a calculus thing. It’s more of a some people
didn’t learn their lesson the first time so let’s see how this plays out thing.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/2T3hxgt
Article:https://cbsn.ws/2TfHERb
3). American Airlines has been canceling hundreds of flights due to crew shortages and
operational issues. Now can they cancel drunk people and stop letting them on their
flights?
Tweet:https://bit.ly/35U3bll
Article:https://bit.ly/3w2cVEL
4). A lab test found no tuna DNA in a Subway tuna sandwich, probably because it’s so
highly processed. Subway seems to be the only one surprised at the article, the rest of
us already knew we were eating garbage.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3vVClnf
Article:https://bit.ly/3w1qy6U
5). North Koreans are moved to tears over Kim Jung Un’s weight loss. I’d cry too if I found
out that the food he’s not eating will still not be given to starving North Koreans.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3x4Dw5a
Article:https://bit.ly/2StS1jY
6). Pennsylvania police broke up an ‘exorcism’ for dead trees in a Home Depot’s lumber
aisle. This is what happens when tree huggers on ecstacy go to Home Depot.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3xQMray
Article:https://bit.ly/3ha7PAW
7). Newsmax’s Dick Morris suggests Critical Race Theory may “reinforce the Oedipal notion
all kids have of wanting to kill their father and marry their mother.” Anyone else
wondering how Dick’s dad really died?
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3w1mofw
Article:https://yhoo.it/3dhSDk8
8). Rudy Giuliani’s law license has been suspended in the state of NY, but he can continue
to practice Trump’s law as before.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3jkM444
Article:https://cnn.it/2TbHxpS
9). John McAfee, the creator of McAfee antivirus software, has been found dead in a
Spanish prison hours after a court approved his extradition to the U.S. I wonder if his
ghost is going to stick around like McAfee held on to your computer after trying to
uninstall it?
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3xdNQb2
Article:https://cnn.it/3h0dlqY
10). Beatles’ Ringo Starr has dropped his legal battle against the seller of RingO penis rings.
The two sides settled and people will continue to not think of Ringo when they see the
penis ring.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3w71n3a
Article: https://bbc.in/3jlGHkT
11). British man becomes the ‘first in the world’ to break his penis vertically during sex, and I
bet she still wasn’t satisfied.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3xasSKi
Article: https://bit.ly/3xasSKi
12). Lauren Boebert says that the easiest way to cure the Delta Variant is by turning off CNN
and voting Republican. I’m mad at myself for not coming up with this joke on my own.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3wjGDVJ
Article:https://bit.ly/3jGUOSh
13). Police officers at Bloomington donated books to Little Free Libraries, after they alleged
that someone was “stealing” the free books. I’m assuming that all the officers involved
have already received a promotion for their fine work.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3qMXaAs
PD tweet:https://bit.ly/2UkM3ma
14). UK parents ask Amazon to change the name of Alexa speaker after their kids named
Alexa gets bullied. Before you judge, note that they went on national TV to double down
on their request.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3ynkMOG
Article:https://bit.ly/36c6wft
15). New Russian law says that the word “champagne” can only be applied to sparkling wine
made in Russia. Champagne, France is now going through an identity crisis after
hearing the news.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/36c4f4f
Article:https://bit.ly/3hgrT5K
16). Female soldiers in Ukraine were forced to march in heels during a practice for a military
parade. That’s how creative the patriarchy gets in Ukraine.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3hDIT4N
Article: https://bit.ly/2UsVMqM
17). Police academy in China is auctioning off dogs that failed to qualify in their police dog
training program. I hope the dogs know that this was just a small detour in their life’s
path.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3ysEyIq
Article: https://cnn.it/2UkLb0S
18). A British engineer broke a Guinness World record by stacking 5 M&Ms, finally making
that engineering degree worthwhile.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/2UYQTpp
Article:https://bit.ly/2TFfsaL
19). Meghan McCain has resigned from The View. The ladies will definitely miss hanging with
her funky hairdos.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3AwshEH
Article:https://nbcnews.to/2UYVdoD
20). An investing website installed a life-size statue of Elon Musk in Manhattan. Apparently,
the sculptor was going for the “just some guy” look.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3dLcjwS
Article:https://bit.ly/36ejYQ5
21). Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson are flying to space this month. A friendly reminder to
aliens that those two offer themselves as tribute.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/36xV6D2
Article:https://cnb.cx/36vCDqC
22). The new Seinfeld LEGO set will be available August 1st , but no release date yet for a
set that looks like the Seinfeld cast.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3i7zgf9
Article:https://bit.ly/3r3WAOZ
23). “Little Einstein,” an 11-year-old who just graduated university, now seeks to achieve
immortality. In other words, he doesn’t think we damage this planet enough before we
die, so he wants to give us an eternity to do it.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3AWn7SR
Article:https://bit.ly/3rabUcL
24). Woman steals pickup truck and leads police on a speed chase that ends in a
McDonald’s drive thru as she tries to place order. Dummy…if she had gone to a Burger
King drive thru the police would have even paid for her meal.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3ec6Ak5
Article:https://nbcnews.to/3e9ZMmO
25). Bumble is opening a restaurant to help people date in real life again. It will offer you 3
options to ghost people the old fashioned way: 1. going to the bathroom & never coming
back 2. going to feed the meter & never coming back 3. going to get more ketchup &
never coming back.
Tweet:https://bit.ly/36umCRN
Article:https://bit.ly/3ka531F
26). Researchers in Prague have found that methamphetamine in waterways may be turning
trout into addicts. Who would have thought that exposing a living organism to an
addictive substance for an extended period of time would make them dependent on said
substance?
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3kbGLo3
Article:https://cnn.it/2VqjKmL
27). More police K9s are forced into retirement following the legalization of recreational
marijuana. Is it really retiring if you were forced to work for free?
Tweet:https://bit.ly/36wwLxx
Article:https://bit.ly/3wAIIgm
28). A police officer in Canada is accused of working as a realtor while on shift. The one
realtor who truly knows if “this is a good neighborhood.”
Tweet:https://bit.ly/3xELq5D
Article:https://bit.ly/3hCHFbv
