Here are the jokes of the week! Written by me, Bri Ribalta!
1). Candace Owens says that she’s thinking of running for U.S. president. She’ll be the first candidate with a platform that changes based on which celebrity is trending on Twitter.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3dfDKzp
Article: http://bit.ly/3rRaWRN
2). Conservationists plead with the public to stop milking psychedelic toads. I implore you to go milk your parents for money instead, and buy some synthetic drugs that can give you the same effects.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3piCbTU
Article: http://bit.ly/2ZhOEMO
3). Study finds that 95 percent of people can’t pronounce BMW correctly. It’s pronounced ‘bee em vee’ since it a German car. Looking at my bank account, owning a BMV is as close as I’ll get to the real thing.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3tXXptt
Article: http://bit.ly/3pjpS9F
4). Hell Pizza teams up with adult toy store to include vibrators with pizza in Valentine’s Day promotion. In keeping with tradition, the vibrator will stop working before you come.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3s4ySBB
Article: http://bit.ly/3akr7kW
5). Thirty-five year old African man dies from brain rupture during an ‘extreme orgasm’ after visiting a sex worker. This headline is proof that sometimes the best publicity for your services is just spitting out facts.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/2ZsyoZL
Article: http://bit.ly/3jJvp8s
6). Justin Timberlake issued a public apology to Britney Spears and Janet Jackson for being a white male benefiting from misogyny and racism. White little boys should start working on their apology letters now, so they don’t have to wait 20 years to send it in like JT did.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/2NkXMh4
Link to Letter: https://bit.ly/37cR7fS
7). According to Trump’s lawyer, Hillary Clinton could be impeached under the precedent set in the impeachment trial of Trump. In other words, Hillary’s imaginary hand squeezed the GOP’s balls extra hard that day.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3qj4nah
Article: http://bit.ly/3ppTP8k
8). Top Idaho Republican says, “Voting Shouldn’t Be Easy” in an attempt to outlaw ballot harvesting. During the second class of ‘Voting Shouldn’t Be Easy 101,’ Republicans will go over ways to invalidate the votes for the opposing party.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3piCbTU
Article: http://bit.ly/3aeEaEm
9). An 8-year-old border collie named Lulu is inheriting a $5 million trust. I knew my Muay Thai skills would one day translate into bodyguard skills. Lulu girl, have your human call me!
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3qq9PbK
Article: http://cnn.it/3jLpyPQ
10). Name a cockroach after your ex and the EL Paso Zoo will feed that cockroach to one of their zoo animals. Submitting a name is free, but they accept donations. Your trash is another animal’s dinner this Valentine’s Day.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3aksDTO
Submit Here: http://bit.ly/3jYIjjb
11). First, the lady put Gorilla Glue spray on her hair, then a Louisiana man put Gorilla glue on a cup and stuck it on his lip to prove the lady was faking it. They both ended in the emergency room. On the bright side, Gorilla Glue interns are finally using that writing degree as they write future press releases that are sympathetic to idiots, a warning to not put an adhesive on your body, but not too harsh of a warning that people try to cancel the company for being honest.
Tweet: https://bit.ly/3rRpCQV
Article: http://yhoo.it/37bRW8R
