SENATE DISCOVERS PUTIN IS PART OWNER OF HOUSTON ASTROS
WASHINGTON–The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee this week released key findings of its latest investigation into Russian interference with American interests, this time sharing the shocking news that Russian President Vladimir Putin is secretly a majority owner of the Houston Astros.
“Fake news, no collusion!” said Astros Second Baseman Jose Altuve, who has been struggling at the plate this season, batting merely .190 now that he cannot rely on trash can melodies to tip him off on pitches. “Washington’s insiders stole the 2019 World Series from us, and now they’re trying to distract by casting us as Putin’s puppet. No puppet, no puppet, you’re the puppet!” he yelled while pointing his finger as seemingly no one in particular.
After allegedly winning the 2017 World Series, the Astros were revealed to have engaged in an intricate electronic sign-stealing scandal that instantaneously communicated to Astros batters the type of pitch being thrown toward them. In a move devoid of any common sense, Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred offered complete immunity from punishment to all players who would testify on the scandal and sell out their coaches. After the conclusion of the sham investigation, no player was punished, and the Astros were not forced to relinquish their tarnished championship.
The revelation makes much sense to baseball fans the world over who have long wondered how Manfred could sacrifice all self respect in service to protecting the interests of a corrupt Houston team. Although the Senate has not yet fully completed its investigation, sources inside the committee allude to a Manfred “pee tape” with which Putin is currently blackmailing Manfred.
“I’m not surprised at all,” said Dodgers relief pitcher Joe Kelly, swigging a shot of bourbon before throwing a knife at his wall.
Kelly was suspended by MLB for eight games earlier this season after Astros Shortstop Carlos Correa spit at the Dodgers dugout in the middle of a national pandemic, prompting the entire Astros team to puff up their chests and threaten the Dodgers with physical violence in a physical manifestation of the toxic masculinity that has completely engulfed the Houston locker room. The Astros certainly had confidence going into the altercation, knowing that Putin puppet Rob Manfred would not punish the Astros players. Kelly’s suspension remains longer than that of any player who was caught cheating.
The committee is currently investigating Putin’s financial interests tied to ruining countless players’ careers and livelihoods after they were unfairly shelled by the Astros’ cheating bats. Several such pitchers had worked their entire lives to get called up to the major leagues, only for insecure players such as Correa and Altuve to offensively explode against them, bouncing the pitchers back to the toils of the minor leagues–where they’ll assuredly face a lifetime of sub-living wages alongside comically weird mascots.
Of course, Putin’s role with the Astros has helped stoke racial tensions within the country, as Astros First Baseman Yuri Gurriel notoriously pulled his eyes back in a demeaning gesture toward Asian-Americans during the 2017 World Series. Unsurprisingly, Manfred refused to immediately suspend Gurriel during the World Series, instead waiting to implement a punishment until the following season–as if to indicate that “racism is bad, just not that bad.” Such an egregious ignoring of conduct during a championship series had not been seen since Golden State Warriors Guard Steph Curry hurled his mouth guard into the crowd during the 2016 NBA Finals–an act that is was instantly shrugged off and remains largely forgotten even though J.R. Smith would have likely faced a lifetime ban if he had done the same thing.
Putin’s bankrolling of the Astros is very much in-line with his history of hiring corrupt thugs, and the team’s lack of empathy and sincerity during their so-called “apologies” earlier in the year meet the pattern of Putin’s reliance on male insecurity.
As of now, there is little evidence that COVID-19 was a Russian plot to ensure fans wouldn’t be able to jeer the Astros in person throughout the season, but the topic remains a target of inquiry by the Senate committee.